You don't understand. Nobody understands. When I find my real father I'm going to kill him for what he did to my mother and to me. I became a drug addict because of him. I was physically and sexually abused by my adoptive fathers (both of them). I have tried to commit suicide just to get away. And it's because of what HE did. He left my mother when she was pregnant with me and I'll kill him. If I could find him. I really need to know what sort of man could do that. One day I'll find you.
	Reply 1 Dear Shane From the bottom of my heart I dont think you really want to kill your father, the lord says one must especially forgive and forget with time. Why do you carry so much pain and hurt inside you? One must always keep in mind that we all human, and we all do make mistakes, what your adoptive parents have done, was not asked for by you or anyone, and neither will anyone like me or you know why someone can actually hurt another human in such a way no one can explain, only them, but we must remember to try and understand and also remember that God will always, I mean always be looking out for us, no matter what happen to us, how bad or good. Life is such a mystery. Zelda.T (South African)(Amsterdam, Holland)
	Reply 2 Dear Shane It is impossible to imagine the effects of sexual abuse unless it has affected you or someone you care about. They penetrate facets of life that seem unrelated, precipitate behavioural responses you wouldn't choose - and without you knowing it. They change your self-image and the image others have of you. At best you know this after years of misery, of not knowing what makes you different and wondering why others respond to you wrongly, of wondering why your responses are seemingly inappropriate and why you are withdrawn or, by contrast, sexually precocious, having a sexual awareness that is way beyond your years. Then there is the question - could I do to others, what was done to me? Every aspect of it is tragic. Sadly, hatred seems justifiable - but we need to consider - Hatred hurts the vessel in which it is stored more than the thing on which it is poured. Forgive? Impossible! ALL things are possible with God and if we have faith even as small as a mustard seed, He will work miracles in our lives. Just ask Him but remember, His ways are not our ways. Anon Reply 3 Shane, your father did not know what would happen to you. When he left it was because a relationship broke up... The relationship he had with your mother did not work. They broke up as so many people do. The subsequent hurt and abuse came with new relationships he could never have dreamt about. You did not get abused because your father left you, you got abused because of relationships your mother had after he had gone. It is not her fault and it is not your fault - the evil is within the perpetrators of this abuse - don't let it take you over and eat you up or they will have won over you. Of course no-one else can understand what you are feeling but I am sure if your birth father knew what happened to you he himself would be crippled with anguish - don't lay the blame at the feet of this person you don't know and project your hurt and anger onto him - and don't let the abusers win by destroying your life. You need to rip out this hurt, screw it up in your hand and throw it away and be a survivor. There are people out here who have been touched by your pain - there is love for you in the world... if you will let it! Anon, UK Web Author's Note: Thank you for the lovely messages to Shane, who was part of my life for nearly 8 years, until I moved to the UK some years ago. It is with deep regret and personal loss that I have to tell you that Shane died recently, from a combination of drug and alcohol abuse, (resulting from his obsession over finding out who his real father was) and exposure, having been living on the streets for some time, begging for money, and working as a car guard in a parking lot on his better days. Unfortunately, I only found this out when it was too late to do anything to help him. Regrettably his mother, whom I managed to trace to the UK, refused to give me the name of his father (which was really all Shane wanted). Hopefully, though, (as he was one of the main reasons I started the site), his tragic end won't be wasted. Every time I have a successful adoptee/birthparent match, I dedicate it to his memory, and I give thanks that someone else has been saved from a similar fate. Light and life Fran

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