I feel that it is a bit mean of the adoptee in the second response to react in the way she did to the statement concerning the birth mother enduring 9 months of physical and emotional pain - yes, that was our choice, absolutely, I don't deny that, but just think, you could have been one of the ones not given a chance to live. Your parents could have remained childless for the rest of their lives, whilst you wound up poor and needy because your birth mother kept you....I am not trying to sound nasty, only trying to be realistic. Do not for one minute think that a birth mother who gives up her child does it to get rid of it, for selfish reasons. A mother who gives up a child is not necessarily being callous and uncaring - often they care about their child more than anything else in the world. I went through hell making my decision; to start with, my parents were livid for failing to meet their expectations and falling pregnant, secondly they did not initially agree with my decision- in fact the day I went into labour my father was still questioning it. then came acceptance of the adoption, but not the pregnancy, and four years down the line NOW they want a grandchild! There are so many varied opinions regarding the issue of adoption, and believe me I researched it thoroughly, going through hundreds of text books, hunting down people who had been involved in one way or another - adoptive parents and grandparents, adoptees, siblings...

In addition to letters that I have written, I have also kept a diary of my feelings and emotions following the four years since her birth, as well as buying a birthday card every year on her birthday. One day, I hope to make contact with her, if for no other reason than to see what she looks like (with any luck, NOT like her biological father!!) and find out what she has done with her life. Considering that she has an older sister who was also adopted and is coloured (my daughter is white) I believe that her parents are open minded people, and maybe they will be ok with her wanting to find me, if she ever does. But, I am very clear in my mind about my non-existent role in her life, and the fact that I will never be her mother - her adoptive parents ARE her "real" parents, and that is the way I want it to be. I wanted her to have more in life than I could ever hope to give her, and at the same time, I feel privileged to be able to have given the most precious gift of all to someone who desperately wanted her.