Reply to "My daughter's Aparents stopped us meeting"

I feel a terrible guilty pain for all the suffering I inflicted on my parents and remember with great clarity the anguish and dread on my Mums face at that point. I can't take the words back but I do bitterly regret them.

Now a mother myself and trying to tread that tightrope between allowing teenagers to make their own "choices" and so learn from them, and complete cotton wool protection for them from the big bad world and all the nasty things ...

From reflecting on my own actions, I realise that this is a stage in their lives where children are being forced to change. Hormones send signals that the child doesn't quite understand, can't quite control. The media gives glamorous glimpses of "what could be" but at the same time parents become suddenly and inexplicably difficult!

I was also brought up in a "church" family (my dad was the minister) and this gave me far more to kick against than non-church kids. My parents were so damned good - I just couldn't stand it ... their lives were so boring - I wanted to ... bunk off school for a day and get a train up to Scotland and knock on the Bay City Rollers door ... (oops, did I just admit to even thinking about that!) Being adopted was just another weapon for me.

You can't, and shouldn't, deny your beliefs, your chosen way of life, moral code etc. but perhaps if you can understand that this and her adoption are simply ammunition for your daughter. It both is and isn't personal at this stage - I wanted to hurt my parents because they were hurting me ... Why couldn't I go to school in my high heels? Why shouldn't I smoke / swear / hang around near the chip shop ...

Do you remember the "terrible twos"? Many children at about two years old display temper tantrums at the slightest provocation, floor beating and those ear piercing shouty-screams for attention ... well adolescence is similar but the child has now discovered more effective buttons to push to get the desired reaction.

An adolescent needs to force through their own agenda.
Parents need to protect, nurture and love. And the greatest of these is love.

Love has many facets including the opposites of compromise and steadfastness. Stay firm with your own beliefs but see if there are any areas where you could compromise.

Then ... just let her know, whenever her defences are down a little, that you love her ... it's all we really want in the end.