I was ecstatic that she had decided to make contact with me and was proud to learn that she excelled at school and that she was musically gifted. Her amother decided that as it was her final year at school, that she should wait to meet with me until after the exams. Her amother, who I have never spoken to - not for lack of trying, also made constant promises to my daughter saying that she would phone me and arrange a meeting.

It is now Jan, 2001 - the telephone call is yet to come. In the meantime, my daughter and I communicated by e-mail. She asked me all the questions she wanted answered and I replied and gave her all the other information that I thought that she should know as well. In every message I sent to her, I sent my love to her parents. They never responded - and she avoided the issue. I didn't push it.

Time marched on and my daughter made a number of attempts to meet with me without her amother's blessing. I declined the meetings and said that we should not forget that we were not the only two people involved in this emotional triangle. This did not faze her - she continued to try to meet with me. I asked her time and again to get her mom to phone me. Nothing.

Eventually, her 18th birthday!! I sent her an e-mail asking her to ask her mom if I could send her gifts? Her mom agreed. I sent 18 beautifully wrapped gifts in a very pretty gift basket. I had made notes of all of her favourite things and had been purchasing her gifts and storing them as I read her e-mails. She phoned me - ECSTATIC - to thank me for the gifts and then said: 'Mom says that there is nothing that she can do if I want to meet with you today. I am 18 and I want to meet you PLEASE!!!' I agreed. She had turned 18 and I had been considering her adoptive parents all the time she had been wanting to meet with me. This time, I considered her - and me. Even though I was so nervous I could barely think straight...

Our reunion was great. The venue, a coffee shop. It was as though we had never been parted. She is beautiful, smart, outgoing - a complete angel. We held each other for the longest time and then stared at each other. There were no tears, just lots of laughter and smiles. We spent the evening chatting and comparing photos. Her brother is 4 years older than her and adopted too. He was completely against her finding me because he had no need to find his bmother.

Then the truth came out.

Her father had the same feelings as her brother and he did not know of her communicating with me by e-mail nor of our meeting. Her mother had sworn her to secrecy for fear of the 'men being upset'. During the evening she also mentioned that her father had 'just turned Christian' and that her mom had been Christian for 5 years. I nearly collapsed when she told me that she had been raised as a Jehovah's Witness. She does not follow the teachings but has not been celebrating Christmas, birthdays, Easter, etc. like all other kids do. Thus her reason for nearly fainting when she received my birthday gifts.

I was devastated because I remember telling the social worker, in great detail, my feelings about religion, spirituality and what I considered offbeat religions. I had made a specific request that she be brought up in a home that did not stifle spirituality by enforcing religion.

During the days and weeks to follow, my daughter attempted, on numerous occasions, to get me to go out to discos with her. I was young enough and she wanted to show off her mom to all of her friends. She probably felt elated that she was able to say that she had a trendy mom too - apart from the very religious family that had brought her up. I am a businesswoman and I consider myself to be very emotionally and psychologically stable. I knew that going out on a rave with her would have been inappropriate - so I declined. Her persistence grew every time I declined and I became worried that she was receiving my communication as a rejection - so I phoned Child Welfare and asked for their guidance.

They were horrified by the way the reunion had happened and offered counselling. They wanted to know what the adoptee wanted out of our relationship? How the aparents felt? Questions I couldn't answer. I asked them to set up a meeting with her amom. Amom declined, saying that she would contact me on her own. (same story) She then went on to tell the social worker that she hoped that I was not expecting to rekindle a relationship with my daughter, because my daughter was not interested in pursuing a longterm relationship with me. That they had discussed it recently.

Only minutes after the social worker gave me this knee-buckling news, my daughter phoned me. I told her that I had contacted Child Welfare for guidance. I told her the questions they asked and that I could not answer them. I also told her that I had requested them to set up a meeting with her mom. That her mom had declined and said that 'I gave her the story verbatim'. She nearly exploded. Her word were: "how could she be such a bitch to say something so untrue. She knows how long I've been wanting to make contact with you and meet you. She saw how happy I was on the evening of our meeting and she knows that I want to meet my aunts and cousins and the rest of the family...' 'I am so angry, you have no idea how angry I am! Even once I had found you, she made me wait for months to meet with you!" I told her to collect her thoughts and remember that her mom is probably terrified of losing her and that is why she reacted the way she did. She did not sound convinced. I asked her to promise me that she would not scream at her mother and that I thought it best if the three of us met for counselling. That was a week ago. I have not heard a word since.

Giving my daughter up for adoption is probably the only thing that I have ever done in my life where I have played by the rules. 100%. My actions were out of love - and love doesn't look for trouble. I cannot believe that firstly the letter that I had written while sitting in the 'adoption ward' of a maternity hospital after giving birth to her was not given to her until after she had found me. Her amother knew that she was looking for me - and also knew that the boyfriend had found me. The letter was only given to her weeks after we had started corresponding. I don't know the game that is being played. I know that the strict religious upbringing has brought out a super-rebelliousness in my daughter. I have managed to talk her through many very negative thoughts. Thankfully, I was able to do so because I remember my teenage years vividly. I didn't mean to hurt anyone or to cause any trouble by contacting Child Welfare, I was only looking for guidance. I was not getting any feedback from the amother - I needed to know what to do next.

Where do I go from here? The Child Welfare has told me to wait it out. Please, all amothers out there, the bmothers that gave your child the gift of life probably had the option of abortion. Instead, they endured 9 months of psychological and emotional trauma to bring a life into the world which they knew they were not going to mother. Every day of every year that passes after the birth of a child that is given up for adoption, the birth mother remembers that child. The last second holding it and then having to hand it over. Don't be thankful and respectful - just think before you act. You are touching more than the lives of your family members. Every child deserves the truth and the chance to pursue the opportunity of making a relationship with someone who gave that child away out of love.

ANON

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