We Haven't Told our Son

Anon, South Africa replies:

Having just read your letter, I felt the urge to respond. Being the younger adopted child in my family, I grew up knowing the fact, and had been told from a young age (obviously my parents had told my elder brother and myself at the same time - i cannot remember being told). I do however realise that it is a big decision being an aparent to tell your child.

I guess I have never been affected by the fact that I was adopted, and I happened to tell a school friend when I was just 10 years old. My Mother found out, and I remember being repremanded 'for spilling the beans' so to speak. Her explaination was very much the matter of 'the other children will tease you and will try to hurt you in ways', which i could not understand at such a young age. Thereafter if anyone ever asked, I denied it, knowing that it would hurt my mother again if she found out. It was hard for me to lie to my friends, however my true friends knew the truth.

Now, having had my own child nearly 9 years ago I realise how my mother must have felt. I do believe that she was more afraid of the fact than indeed I was. Now, at the age of 28, I still cannot broach the subject with my mother, in fear that she may be hurt, I promised myself that I would not look for my birth mother until such time as My Mother (adoptive) was no longer around.

I urge you to tell your child as soon as possible, do not be afraid of being rejected, children can be cruel however they cannot ever hate their Mother or Father (you), and will respect you more for telling him now, rather than when he is much older, believing his life has been 'a fake'..... I hope my story has helped, even in the slightest, and I hope and truely believe that when the time comes, your son will be grateful to you for giving him the openness and understanding of knowing who he really is. Good luck Anon.