I fell pregnant in Bulawayo in 1972 at a very young age of 16 and had to make the very hard decision to give up my baby for adoption. Her father was also very young and had just started his National Service and was not financially or emotionally able to cope with the pregnancy so left me to sort it out on my own. His parents (now deceased) rejected me completely (we later discovered that his mom had been pregnant with him before she got married) and my mother who had re-married (my father died when I was 12 and my mother is also now deceased) was living in another town and was forbidden to help me. I only found out that I was pregnant when I was already nearly 6 months gone because I had what was thought to be my periods still but later found out I was threatening to miscarry ( a problem I had with subsequent pregnancies). My boss at the time kindly took me to St Clares Home for unmarried moms to book in. He then offered to let me carry on working instead of going into St Clares during the pregnancy and one of the ladies at work offered to let me stay with her for the last 2 months. I did this willingly having discovered that my medical aid did not cover maternity expenses for unmarried moms and that I would have to pay for my confinement myself. I made contact with Social Welfare and was counselled briefly by a family friend who was involved in the organisation and another welfare officer. I had originally wanted to let my sister who was unable to have children of her own adopt my baby but was advised against this. She went on to adopt 2 lovely children of her own. My die date arrived and I went into labour and gave birth at the Lady Rodwell to a healthy baby girl but was knocked out by injection after the birth and she was whisked away and taken to a nursery on another floor and I was forbidden to see her. I had a midwife who was very cold and hard and treated me with contempt which did not help my state of mind. Luckily my doctor was a lovely, kind and sympathetic man. I was very frightened and distressed and insisted that I wanted to see my baby before signing any papers.

My pleas were ignored and no-one spoke or counseled me through this.

My best friend (the only one I had confided in) came to visit me and helped and supported me. I told very few people about my pregnancy and it came as a shock to many of our family members years later as they had not realised I was pregnant. I was very ill during the whole pregnacy and lost a lot of weigh and hardly showed at all so it was easy to hide the pregnancy.

The magistrate eventually came for me to sign the papers and the nurse brought my baby to me just before he arrived but stood at the door and did not allow me to hold her and I only had a glimpse of her beautiful face, something that I will never forget. I signed the papers, a frightened little teenage girl who did not know her rights and let my baby go to what I had decided would be a better life for her with loving parents. I myself would not be able to give her that and would have had to put her in St Gabriels children's home every day while I worked and struggled to support us - I had nothing to giver her.

I never got over that awful day and never forget her for a minute but prayed to God and asked him to please look after my baby. I prayed for her every day from then on and knew deep in my heart that we would be reunited one day. I used to look at every baby and every face of a child who may have been the same age as her. Every year on the day of her birthday I would spend a day praying and crying and would light a special candle for her. I just wanted to know if she was happy and healthy and the pain of my loss never really went away.

I then tried pick up the pieces of my shattered life and went back to work. When the father of my baby came home from the army, I forgave him for not supporting me during my pregnancy and still young and in love we decided to get married and I went on to have a son and daughter after many years of battling to have another child and losing 3 babies.

My husband sadly died when he was 36 in 1991 and we then back in Zimbabwe after moving from Bulawayo to Redcliff, Joburg then to Harare where i am still living. As the years went by and she neared the age of 18, I decided I would do a search of my own in the hope that she may want to find me one day. I started by writing to the Social Welfare in Bulawayo to let them know of my whereabouts etc and they were very helpful and unearthed the 1972 file immediately and said they would write to her adoptive parents to let them know that I would like to make contact. They then wrote and said the parents appeared to have left Zimbabwe and there was nothing they could do.

During this time I felt desperate and went on the internet, wrote to magazines and searched in every area possible. I even asked my lawyer if it would be legally possible for me to get him to search but he was not keen and said that it was the right of the child to search at the age of 18 and not the parent. I married a wonderful man in 1994 and shared my story with him as well as my children from my first marriage, my daughter's brother and sister who had always known about her and that she may come back into our lives one day.

Before he died her father apologised to me for never wanting to talk about it and for deserting me and asked me to promise I would never give up my search for her. Unbeknown to him (I found this out recently) he had laid eyes on his own daughter when he went on a fishing expedition with close friends of ours who were friends and in the same fishing circle as her adoptive parents. I believe it was God's way of letting him see her before he died. We moved to Redcliff just after that.

My mother sadly died in December 1998 and she too regretted not being able to help me when I needed her and I was very sad that I had not found her before she died.

Just after that I was reading a letter in a magazine from a girl who was looking for her birthmom and for a second my heart stopped as I thought it was my daughter looking for me as the writer had also been adopted in Bulawayo. I replied to that letter and told her that she should write to the Social Welfare in Bulawayo and update her records and also said that I prayed that my daughter was also looking for me and mentioned the year and month she was born. A friend of her adoptive mom's still living in Bulawayo saw the article and sent it to her mom in South Africa telling her that she was sure that the writer of my letter was the birthmom of their daughter. They were not sure what to do as she had just got engaged and they did not know whether to wait until after her marriage but being the wonderful, unselfish parents that they are they showed her the letter and she gave her their blessing to find me which she proceeded to do by writing to the Social Welfare in Bulawayo. She also went on the internet site adoption.com (American-based) but never registered her details.

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I went on a Pregnancy Crisis Conference to Cape Town and a lady whose adopted son had traced her shared her amazing story with me. The ladies from my group prayed for me that day as I had said to the lady sharing her testimony that my only wish left in life was for my daughter to find me. Later that day after visiting an unmarried moms home and shedding a few tears but some of joy because the matron was a kind, compassionate lady who was with her girls all the way and helped them in the choice of adoption (the open way which is a much better way than the closed way as in my day), I got back to the conference to get a very excited phone call from my husband in Harare - he has received a phone call from an official in Bulawayo to say my daughter had written a letter and wished to find me. He would not release any details until I got back to Zimbabwe and had given my permission for my details to be released first and he was sure her parents were happy with this and wanted to counsel us etc.

I got back to Harare and got in contact with this wonderful man. I can only say he is a God given man with so much compassion and kindness in his heart. He goes out of his way to ensure that the reunion process is done in the correct way to avoid heartache as some reunions can go horribly wrong. My daughter was a Missionary in Namibia at the time so it was not possible to meet in his office but he eventually allowed me to telephone her and it was a very special moment in my life.

I still feel as if I am in a dream and I am in shock - I cannot believe that she is back in our lives after all these years. I phoned her adoptive mom too and what an amazing person she is too. I reassured her I was not going to try and take their daughter away from them and that she was and always will be their daughter. I was the birthmom and signed over my rights to wonderful parents who loved and cared for her and gave her all the things I could not.

I wanted a reunion when the time was right but in the meantime we were invited to her wedding in Namibia in December 2000 and did not hesitate. People were so happy for us that they helped us raise the airfares etc and we were finally reunited a few days before her wedding which was a very special day. Her brother and sister were not able to come but were excited about their future reunion and sister. My husband and I also got to know her parents and I could not have chosen better parents for her. I am thankful to them and God that she is well and happy.

She also became a counsellor just before I did and was counseled through any issues she may have with her adoption. I found it hard not to break down and weep at her wedding but mainly had tears of joy and wonder and it I feel so blessed to have her and her parents in our lives as an extended family. Her adopted mom insisted that I sit in the aisle and cry with her as she walked down with with her proud dad at her side. I cannot descirbe the emotions that I felt. We were also welcomed by her husband and his family and for the first time in years I felt peace in my soul. A missing piece from my heart is back in place and I can now begin to heal. I have found a lot of it painful as I re-live the worst experience in my life but I have grown and learnt from the pain and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same.

Last year she and her husband visited us in Zimbabwe and she was reunited with her brother and sister. They are all very similar in nature and looks and all got on well and it felt as if she had never been out of our lives. There is no mistaking that she came from our family. My husband and I plan to visit her on her birthday this year - one of my last wishes is to spend a birthday with her with the permission and blessing of her parents. I will never be able to thank them enough for bringing her up to be the wonderful person she is and for their unselfish support in her search for me. Their daughter has achieved all that I would have wished for her and they are very proud of her. I am too, she is a lovely, well adjusted woman and I believe God heard my prayers for her and led us to each other when the time was right and not before. She has always felt the presence of God in her life. Her parents brought her up in the Methodist religion which is the same one I was brought up in and I was pleased that Social Welfare had matched her up in that respect.

She has an older adopted brother whom she and her parents adore. I came to find out that she had been living with her parents around the corner from me in Bulawayo for many years (and not in Harare as the Welfare had told me) and her parents and my husband and I emigrated at the same time in 1994 and were again close to where they were living. She then went on to do very well at University and then to America where she lived as a missionary and English teacher and during those years I felt at my most desperate to find her and Mr N. pointed out that he believed that the thread and bond that was still there from birth weaker as she moved further away from me and that is why I felt like that.. We both love many similar things too.

Since our reunion I keep in regular contact with her and her adoptive parents and could not ask for more. I hope to introduce her and her mom and dad to more of her birth family who are living in South Africa this year. I can't wipe out the lost years but can only pray and give thanks for our extended family.

I strongly believe that an adoptee has the right to know her roots but understand how painful it must be for the adoptive parents especially when they fear they may lose their child.

Adoptive children have very mixed emotions especially about their birthmoms and their roots and reasons for being given up for adoption.

Birthmoms should respect the feelings of the adoptive parents and adoptees and not expect to resume the position of mother and for instant feelings of love from the child they gave up for adoption.

It takes time to heal and to get to know the child you gave up who is now a stranger to you and your family and has been brought up in a completely different family environment.

Counseling is essential and I strongly recommend that anyone who wants to search must prepare themselves for things that they may find out and not be happy with. Reading testimonies from others helps and I have read many books on the subject and shared them with others that I know who are adoptees searching or the adoptive parents or the birthmom - adoption is a very complex triangle and each party should try and respect and understand the other's feelings. I have had many nasty remarks made about giving up my baby for adoption but have learnt to deal with people who lack understanding and compassion. I just could not thank Mr Nkomazana enough for his help and support. Thank you for letting me share my experience with you.

To the webpage owner, God bless you for the wonderful work you are doing in helping adoptees and birth parents reunite and God bless the adoptive parents for loving and bringing up these special children.

Allyson